Missing

Something missing! Im missing... missing you, missing the past, uncertain of whats going to happen. Somehow lost when everything makes sense, feeling heartbroken being away from the people that really know me and love me. Looking forward...lookin forward to what? if its not certain that whats it to look forward too. Lonely but never alone, wishing you were here everyday, knowing it would be easier with you there. Feels like ive been waiting so long for something, I just hope waiting is the right thing for me, it comes so naturally it should be so easy. But nobody sees the loneliness, there is plenty behind the smiles.

You have to loose something...to realise what it meant to you!

So I finally feel the way I used to, cared for like someones looking out for me again, shouldnt that be enough. Why when one thing is going fine the rest of you falls apart, why cant everything just be!
Yet again everything is you, ive just reeled off a whole list to Lucy in the car and now I cant think of anything I was saying. I just know that everything would be so easy for me now if you were here, for a start it would be you I was talking to and not my blog. Why does nobody else understand how I feel about you. Why am I so easily lead, ive made so many mistakes this year, im not going to let this be one of them. I only see you, nobody else can see u or has seen you, its like your a dream. there opinions can be bitter and harsh, id never tell you what others think, it would break your heart and i dont want you to be influenced by the reality either. so in a way im taking it all on, by thinking one thing and being influenced by another.I spoke to you today and felt so happy all day, then it takes one comment from someone close to me to turn all that upside down, truth is i shouldnt care, but i do, im a follower always have been and im weak. i have my own opinion until someone shares theres. its just so difficult i really am done caring its only me and you, but then its only me, its only me here, im the one that deals with the reality, in truth your hiding from it, in a way its easier for you.
its not like i didnt try to move on, i tried ever so hard, i tried so much that it made me sad, because people said i had to experience my life. they say they hated to see me wait like i was waisting my time, cant they see i was happier then, when i knew what i wanted and it all made sense to me. now i dont know whos opinion to follow my own or theirs and which one makes sense.
and so what if things are going to be hard in the future, it cant be half as bad as loving someone when you cant be with them.
i know im the type of person that will support someone even if its the wrong thing they are doing, because i know if i was in their situation id want them to do the same for me.
mabye im just a romantic.......mabye i think to much.....well i know i think to much.....but thinkings the only way I can be near to you. why did u contact me at that point, why not sooner, why then, just when i was finally feeling free from it all.... then im straight back where i was before. and why now, when everyone around me has somebody, and im lonely, its like a test!
whyy that film, and that song? is it all linked, is it trying to point me, is it karma! i know its something, everything adds up and takes me to you, i know i exaggerate but im not exaggerating when i say everything around me leads me back to you. whenever i stray or become misled in any way theres something that strikes me, a song, a car, a feeling, anything really.
i just ache, and i hurt in places i didnt know i had. i want you to save me, bring me back up, bring out the best in me, you were always good at that. i want somebody to understand, i dont want to feel like im just plodding on, i want to laugh and mean it. i want it all to feel worth it, i dont want each day to be a waste, to be a pointless waste of my time. i just want you, end off!
XxX

LOVE

Love

I have no words to think of right this moment to describe these three. I literally spend every waking minute with them. They make me laugh countless hours of the day.
I feel like ive known them forever and its so strange to think we have only been friends for 6 months and before only strangers. Even writing this im smiling :) each of them is totally crazy. Lorna :) is a monkey never met anybody so mad, shes bopping about on her spacehopper with her witchy laughter. She sneaks into my bed to catch up every morning even though she only went to sleep a few hours before. Her food habits disgust me, gerkins being a particular favourtie and she pickles everything! but as she said id never have her any other way! Sheri...well shes a bounching bundle of joy, likes chilling in her converses has mayonaise on everything she can find, has the cutest nose and the longest legs ive ever seen. Your my jammy star Sheridan(probably spelt wrong)she makes me dinner every night and snores ever so loud! She is so so sweet and my soulmate for musicals :)! Then theres Alyce...well crazy isnt enough to sum her up, she makes the funniest noises and her faces are to die for. Shes totally mad, she doesnt even have to talk and im laughing :)she practically lives in my wardrobe but always looks amazing in whatever she pulls out of there.
They are all soooooo beautiful and...
Best of all ive never met 3 people id rather spend every minute of every day waisting my life with!

I really

LOVE

you! xxx

Free Falling..

It makes me so happy to remember you..how you made me laugh...and my god you made me laugh :)

Id love to put these feelings in song, id have a hell of a lot to sing about.

Loose You!

Loosing yourself isnt a lot like loosing your purse....
Its when you feel the least like yourself, like the person you used to look like, the person you used to be. Its different to growing up, its like growing into yourself. Now looking in the mirror is like looking at a passer by. Its wierd to think once I was so certain of what I looked like.... what i wanted...who I was, I was almost determined!! Its something always there preying on my mind, even if its not the first thing I wake up believing that morning! All the things i used to love dont interest me anymore, I cant motivate myself to do them because they make me sad! I feel like im constantly trying to change myself to make me happier, always trying to find something and somebody to make me feel that way again. What if I need to find you again, get to know you to feel real again. Theres no denying im happy, some days I laugh so much my stomach hurts, and im living a life now where there are no worries for me. But mabye I used to love the hastle, that excitement of always having something to think about, to keep me on my toes. Im excited to see if real happiness is waiting this long to have something come back to you, youve always wanted soo badly, to prove to you the fairytale your living is real!
I think these feelings have never left me, but there chasing me as I try my hardest to move on. Its strange to think that you had so much power over my life that I never recognised before now, not a bad power just a hold on me, and somehow it all leads back to you.... you were always there even though a hundred miles away from me!

'Sometimes you have to start again....in order to fly'I thought starting again would be simple and an escape from the small reminders that are home to me. A whole new life would be soooooo easy to do, sooo easy to block you out, find the person I was without you. I know I lost myself when I gave all of me to you, gave you all of me, everything I could give to you I did without ever a second thought! Now I feel like theres nothing left of me to give to another!